Broken Boy

You met someone N E W. Maybe it was in the corridor. Or maybe it was along the streets while you are walking on your way home. Perhaps it was during that one rainy day when you are almost soaking wet – thanks to that stranger who shared an umbrella with you. Or maybe it was just during a school or company event – maybe your seatmate who initiated a small talk which turned out to be a start of a deeper conversation. Or maybe a friend of your friend who was introduced to you as a show of courtesy.

Whatever the means that you met that S T R A N G E R, you both decided to do a little level up. Maybe it started with a random talk about how your day was. Then without you noticing, you begin to start asking more questions. You begin to give a little more attention – a little more of your time. After all, you want to gain more friends. And here she is, a person beside you, who shows the same interest.

And what is the O D D S? What is the probability of you meeting that boy or girl out of the hundreds of people in your vicinity? Out of the thousands in your community? Out of the tens of thousands in your city? Out of the millions in your country? What are the odds of meeting this random person out of the billions of sentient people around the globe? Chances are, it is too tiny, perhaps on the order of pico. And then you decide to gamble on that chance. Because the chances are too low, so maybe, it is the universe telling you – this is not a random chance.

You both take a walk. And suddenly, without noticing the real trigger, you both realize something. C L I C K. You clicked! And from a stranger, you became friends – best of your buddies as you feel the connection. Your neurons firing back-and-forth while thinking of many things all at the same time. You get along perfectly fine and that telepathic connection extends across the regions. From Romblon to Macabebe. From Cebu to Quezon City. From Zambales to Batangas. And was this a product of random chance? Well, you decide.

And as days pass by, spending time with one-another makes you feel secure. She makes you feel special. She understands your thoughts and your inner introversion. She understands the complexity of your emotions. And yes, she is a friend. She is your confidante.

But then, the beautiful, publishable story of yours begins to take its toll. Was she a workmate? A classmate? Your labmate? Was she my friend? Was she my best friend? What are we? Are we simply just friends? Or was she thinking of being more-than-just friends? Why are we so close? Should I set a little boundary? And what if I start to like her? What if I ALREADY LIKE HER? Does she feel the same way? A multitude of questions fired all-at-once.

And you trod. You chose to move forward with that magical “friendship” without asking for LABELS.

And you realize, you are different now. Did you hear the humming of your heart? THUG. THUG. THUG. It is beating out of the ordinary. Why do you feel that way?

So you like her. Now what? Why are you afraid to ask? Well, maybe you’re afraid to ruin that beautiful friendship. Because once you crossed the line, you can never really go back to being friends. It’s either she likes you too and you’ll start a new chapter – from courting to maybe being a couple in time. Or maybe she decides that you are just a friend – her close ally, and awkwardness follows.

Or maybe she already said it herself. Maybe she already said that she’s not yet ready to level up because she is still messed up inside. You are just her friend and you fixed her. You are his repairman. I AM HER REPAIRMAN. She was a broken girl. And you fixed her. And then, you think she will love you back because you embraced here when she was crying. You knitted her broken soul. You brought her back from the abyss that she’s stuck with. And now that she’s happy, you realize that you want something more. But then, she can’t reciprocate it. Maybe NOT YET.

But did you listened? Did you saw her warning signs? Or maybe, you ignored all of them because you know you like her, or worst, you already love her. But maybe she couldn’t love you back because you are her friend.

And do you know what is worst? It is the feeling of being in-love while being afraid at the same time. It is the feeling of wanting to do something more and yet you know you cannot act on it because you don’t want to ruin everything.

And while doing so, you are hurting. You are hurting because you are thinking what to think about the meaning of all the strolling by the seaside, the movie dates that you did together, the playful times while at the park. What is the meaning of you holding her hand and taking her to your adventures? What is the meaning when she invited you to fly to Hawaii?

And when you decided to ask.

“Gusto mo ba ako?”

“ Depende, kung gusto mo rin ako.”

“E ‘pano kung hindi?”

“Eh di tang-ina mo rin.”

And in that instant, you knew you’re hurt. You have HOPED. You hoped that she’s already your one-true-love. You hoped that she was the heaven-sent person to love you. You hoped she also feels the same way because she mentioned it already before. But what happened? What happened to your plans? What happened to the future that you crafter perfectly?

But you think it is okay. To feel special with “JUST A FRIEND.” No labels. No boundaries. Just enjoy the show.

But truth is, being stuck in this relationship without labels sucks.

And then, deep inside, you C R Y. You are now broken while she is W H O L E. Your heart bleeds but whenever you want to tell these things, she’ll start the process of repairing you. And that makes you fall for her even more. And then, you end up more shattered. More broken. And as you pick the remnants of your broken heart, you get more wounded. More blood. More heartaches.

And you see your world falling apart. Because in the first place, you’ve never healed. YOU ARE A BROKEN BOY. You are still aching from your failed relationship when she showed up. You thought you are strong already to fix someone else. But the truth is, you cannot fix someone else when you are still broken. You cannot love someone else when you are still not WHOLE. Because the moment you do, you’ll just realize that you opened up old wounds. You ripped your knitted heart because you think it is your chance to do something right – repairing her broken heart. But the truth is, you are still messed up.

And even though you say you’re ready, you are not. Because you are broken. Just like these broken pieces of glass.

And truth be told, you cannot demand someone to love you back just because you fixed her.

So before you try fixing things, FIX YOURSELF FIRST. So, at the end of the day, you won’t end up wrapping yourself in a blanket, sitting while you see the setting sun – only then, so you won’t just say:

“Mga leche kayo!”

The END.

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