I rarely get drunk but when I did, I got drowned.
It was a cool night in October when I tasted its first drop. I thought I would never like it but to my surprise, I did. I feel like I was a rebel when such drops turned into gulps. I drank and they say that it’ll get me wasted. I guess I don’t want to find out.
That night, I became free. I decided to be free – from the expectations at school for me to be the best among the rest, from the expectations of my subordinates to be a role model, from the pressures of leading in the student council, and from everything that the world expects me to do. That night, I decided to be deviant. I tried a different route. I tried to unleash the inner demons that I have been suppressing for years. And it went wild.
I will never forget that day. That was the day that I went home light-headed – free from all the torments that the world is giving me. My head is pounding but I never felt any pain. I felt my blood pressure rising, probably due to alcohol metabolism, and yet I never felt such calmness before. It felt so good to try not to care from all forms of expectations. I crushed all who keep on trying to manipulate me to become the person that I am not is one of the best victories that I had. Then I knew. I just knew that I finally triumphed.
The intoxicating flavor of it? I simply love it. It feels like I was drugged because I just see extreme positivity. Everything seemed to be going pretty awesome. I feel the chains loosening and I feel like I own the world. I feel like I could do anything so I did.
I enjoyed such an almost perfect world and I once told that I would never want to wake up. I do not want to face the reality that too many people depend on me. I don’t want to feel the excruciating pain of being tagged as someone I’m not. I don’t want to see myself agonizing whenever I hear my heart crack. No, I do not want to feel pain ever again. I just want to live freely. I just want to be myself.
And while I am continuously drinking the pain away, I didn’t realize that I was falling. I struggled in my classes. I struggled in life. I struggled to be alive. And when I saw that the path I planned so carefully became wrecked, reality hit me. How I got away from it is another story. But experiencing such momentary defeat strengthened my resolve. Never again will I fall to the vicious hands of the beast. Never again will I rebel.
But if there is one thing that I regret about it, it’s the fact that I became afraid. I was afraid to fall into the same trap again. I was afraid to be manipulated again.
And the truth is, I am still struggling up to this day. Oh! How many times have I tried to stop myself from doing the same mistake! There are simply numerous times when my walls are beginning to crumble again. But lucky for me, my experiences many years annealed these walls.
But what if I met another traveler to whom I will choose to open the door? Oh yes, I met several. I let some in, but for so many times, I just end up drowning myself in the same poison that almost cost my life before. And then when I begin to see the warning signs, I immediately retreat inside my camp. I build another layer of wall. And layers of layers of layers of bricks started to pile up between me and the world. Would I ever get outside again?
Nevertheless, I recently saw a popular traveler. I would really love to welcome the traveler. I will open my doors and hold a party and I think it will be fun. But then, I am afraid to get drunk again. The intoxicating poison of loving someone who is not meant for you cost me many years of pain and as such, I grew cold. But I can see the traveler holding a torch, and from afar, it made me feel warm. I tried to avoid any contact previously but the inevitable occurred. Contact has been made.
Where will this story go? Will it end up as another layer of the wall or will it be the end of me being alone in this perfectly-crafted halls of seclusion? Well, whatever happens, I would never let myself get drunk again even though it tastes too good. And when I say it is good, it tastes really good.
But for now, I guess I shall offer a drink to this stranger, shouldn’t I? In any case, some bottles wouldn’t hurt too much, would it?